Manic Nirvana

Goodbye, Goodluck!!

2007-03-07T14:44:00.000+05:30

Well, I just went thro' my posts and realized what a depressing and negative picture they paint.. Though most of them are heartfelt, emotions I've been carrying inside me, feelings pouring out in words, the bitter experiences mingled with the sweet ones to create a symphony which would touch every restless heart... But I didn't mean to conjure such a sad, depressing image..

In person, I am quite the opposite.. well, was at least.. till some time back.. You'd never have had a dull moment with me.. I would never have let you down, never let you cry, made you laugh your guts out..My friends would vouch for that i guess.. Its been quite a journey thro' life.. the joys n the sorrows, the realized dreams and the missed opportunities, the ecstasies and the heartbreaks.. Well, somehow I managed to blame life and circumstances for these forgettable memories and reversible decisions.. Suddenly, It makes me feel stupid.. Such a fool to believe it had to do with luck and fate, instead of believing in myself.. If you are worth something, if you want something, you have to go get it in spite of the hits you take instead of pointing fingers at luck...The carelessness and the disdain I showed with the opportunities presented, laziness with the work ahead, the extravagance, the insensitivity, the selfishness... all adds up to an unfinished life...

As the dust settles and the mist clears its time to take stock... of what I've gained and what I've lost.. to get my life in perspective again.. to end this masquerade, to stop the charade.. Its been taking a lot out of me lately.. I am slipping slowly into a shell, gloomy, forgettable.. slipping into darkness.. Life's all about taking chances and making choices.. I've made mine... Oblivion!! May not be the right one but I guess you have to stick up to the choices you make.. so till and if I get back from oblivion, this might be my last post.... Goodbye.. Good luck!!!

Homeward Bound

2007-03-05T12:28:00.000+05:30

Sometimes the need to get away really consumes your thoughts.. get away from your regular life... forget your worries.. forget your duties.. leave the past behind.. don't worry 'bout your future... just think 'bout your present... live your present... It keeps nagging at the back of your mind, tugging on your sleeve until you acknowledge the enormity of its existence.. You try and make yourself understand the consequences, think 'bout the backlash, try to pacify your urges.. But like they say "If you resist, It persists"... My need to escape has escalated into a blatant craving to take that one step over the edge...

I've spent endless nights pondering on this urge to break free... wondering 'bout the consequences of breaking the rules and going beyond the realm of the normal and the sane.. The lines between want, need, necessity and crave blurred into a burning desire to take off to a place without worries, without responsibilities.. without the accompanying bloodshed, the destruction, the heartbreaks.. the obliteration of values and the lust for success... the perfect place... all your worries taken care of and all your dreams becoming reality.. Well almost.. i don't know whether a place like this exists except in our dreams... but the next best thing will do for me... I choose Home... a place where all worries are wiped away by a hug and a smile... the wrinkles on your brow smoothed by a caressing hand.. where no one will ask you about your past and care only for your future... where you feel just like you felt back when the complexities and the corruptions hadn't seeped into your blood...

Well, it's our best shot at heaven on earth...

The Pink Floyd Sound

2006-11-04T17:49:00.000+05:30

In bed with my senses shot to dust… The bottles empty and the smoke blowing away with the morning breeze.. The ‘Surreal Calm’ that everyone talks about.. Pink Floyd taking you away to another plane.. another dimension.. Then reality sets in…The house feels so empty after an insane party.. The adrenalin levels suddenly coming down to normal. You running on afterburners after that crazy high.. and you let Pink Floyd recreate that aura again…

Pink Floyd takes me to my own paradise.. the perfect place.. without the attached worries, the omnipresent pain… It’s like a journey back in time for me.. The innocent days of a toddler, the schooldays.. shouting ‘We don’t Need no Education’ on stage… dreaming bout the future, listening to ‘Time’ only to watch those dreams broken by reality… Taking up ‘Money’ as a theme during the renaissance.. Now sitting here listening to ‘Sorrow’… It’s an amazing song.. reminds me of what I’ve gained and the innocence lost.. those glory days, those unforgettable moments, those irreversible decisions and those unmistakable opportunities.. Nick Mason bringing the sorrow to an end and Gilmour starts the rehabilitation.. Now I’m ‘Coming back to life’…. It’s inexplicable how you can put your whole life in version of the Pink Floyd sound…..

The New Beginning..

2006-10-28T15:09:00.000+05:30

All my life I’ve waited for an opportunity to break free from the norms and start a journey to fulfill my dreams… After all these years, I’ve realized that there’s no point waiting for that opportunity.. You have to create it yourself.. Opportunities don’t come to you begging to be taken.. You have to look for them in every aspect of your life.. There’s no such thing as a fresh start.. Your past always catches up to you at one point or the other.. So I’ve decided to start a new chapter in my life.. from scratch.. without worrying about the past or the present.. the only lookout is the future..

At times, I really wanna go back in time and change a lotta things I did.. or rather didn’t do.. but then.. That would change the whole learning curve, wouldn’t it? Looking back to the days when I was just a kid and dreamt about doing big things in life.. I still remember the days like yesterday.. the aspirations of joining the army.. or becoming a fighter pilot..then the transition to more lucrative careers like merchant navy.. architect.. even a movie star.. then reality sets in… the time to dream is gone.. the aspirations crushed by reality.. I’ve learnt a lotta things from those broken dreams.. the learning curve has shot upwards in the last couple of years.. but still not enough to stop dreaming bout big things to come.. well, dreams are all we have to hang on to sanity in this insane world.. So I’m starting up a brand new day….

Midnight Blues

2006-10-28T15:00:00.000+05:30

I wake up in the middle of the night with a feeling of complete abandon.. thoughts in disarray, mind wandering down unknown alleys.. Feelings and emotions warped with the will to live free..

Thinking and writing what you feel is one thing.. Penning down thoughts out of sheer desperation and need is a whole new ballgame.. I don’t know what I am feeling.. what I am thinking.. Its just the need to write.. to do something to get my mind off these never ending negativities.. Is it only me who feels the blues in the middle of this beautiful night?? Doesn’t anyone else feel the desperation??

The feeling that life’s a ghost and you realize it when it brushes past you in a blur… A flurry of motions and then the unreal calm.. and you are left with this unnatural feeling of uneasiness.. of despair.. of not belonging here.. of not owning anything you can say is truly yours... of spending most of your adult life in search of peace and tranquility and yet waking up in the middle of the night at the same place you started from….

Create..

2006-10-25T11:16:00.000+05:30

Create... the perfect life... the one without the usual bleeding.. the usual bloodshed... the usual massacare...

Perfect is what you feel..the satisfaction within.. to get all you need and need all you want.. to work for yourself, to satisfy your desires without warping the code, without blenching your honour... Its hard to restrain yourself from going that unrequired 10th mile for more than you require.. but the pleasure of satisfing your creativity is perfect.

Create..... for yourself, your imagination, your flight... not what the world wants you to do.. create... for the simple pleasures of life...the tranquility... A place where you find happiness, peace and freedom.. where you are the creator and the destroyer... The perfect life.....

Look Back...

2006-10-08T11:27:00.000+05:30

Take a look at the crimson skies. What do you see?? The colours blending into each other, melting into one blury haze. visibly bright, chaotic, yet serene, taking you to that perfect place, that asylum....

Sometimes, when your life goes out of focus, when your priorities get mixed up, when you are drifting aimlessly.. the best remedy is to take a look at the skies, the twinkling stars, the fading horizon. It gives you a new perspective.. The stars, the clouds, the moon, all forming an unexplainable shape, which gives you a sense of calm and tranquility... Life flies past us without us realizing it. Time, the all powerful, waits for no one, no one is safe... It has created..and destroyed civilizations, species and people...

From the moment you take your first breath to the moment you take your last, your are an instrument, a puppet in the hands of time... Your fist steps, your first smile, your first friend, your first school, your first girl, your fisrt kiss.... All gifts of time.. how you choose to accept these gifts, how you choose to treasure them, how you choose to part with them.. thats what life is all about.. Deppressing thought, isnt it? Take some Time off to think bout it, take a look at the quiet sky and think about what you have gained, what you have lost, what you have created and what you have destroyed..

Love actually

2006-09-19T08:49:00.000+05:30

Love.. A small flutter, one small tickle, rises to that eternal flame that never bows down to time.. People change, so does relations. But Love remains strong. You may feel diffrently bout your love, compatibility might be an issue, understanding might create rifts, insecurity might creep up... But the love remains the same.. You just choose to embrace the frailities rather than trust that one feeling which brings you down to your knees...

Why? why do issues like compatibility, suspicion, insecurity stamp their authority on the best thing that happened to you. Why do you crush your dream b'coz of the nightmares... feelings twisted, alliances broken, love betrayed.... I would say, just trust the love, if not the person.. Put your undying faith in that feeling you get when see your love, when you wake up in her arms, when you close your eyes in her embrace... It'll take you to that perfect place, that unreal calm where all your worries and issues will dissapear with the fading light.....

Crash and Burn

2006-09-17T09:22:00.000+05:30

Have you ever met someone after such a long time that you dont know how to react?? Your childhood friend, your girlfriend, your cousin, your brother, your parents.... you just dont know what to say.. what to portray.. how to react.. how to talk... wht to talk.... what to expect from their side..

Sometimes life asks questions you cant answer at one go... you dont know what to say... after all its the miracle of life. have you felt so connected with someone that you know how they feel, how they think, what they are going to say?? Yet, the conversation is dwindling towards oblivion.. Why???

How do you find out how to react?? should you be friendly?? or sober?? meeting your girlfriend gets out your multi facade self.. can you really predict wht she is gonna do?? wht she is gonna say?? how is she gonna percieve your attitude?? The love is still there... so is the fire... Its the connection thats missing.. Dont you feel the awakardness of the million dollar question?? A hug or a shake?? A quick peck on the cheek or...... A full blow smile or that naughty grin... Connection at the highest level or crash and burn...........

Free Falling..

2006-09-16T07:56:00.000+05:30

"A brief candle; both ends burning
An endless mile; a bus wheel turning
A friend to share the lonesome times
A handshake and a sip of wine
So say it loud and let it ring
We are all a part of everything
The future, present and the past
Fly on proud bird
You're free at last."

Charlie Daniels had written this en route to Ronnie Van Zant's funeral.. He had written it for a friend, but it has a deeper meaning for every one of us...

In life, everything has a purpose.. a meaning to it. You dont do anything without a purpose. But what is the purpose of life itself?? What are you runnig after?? What do you want the most?? Freedom?? From what?? From whom?? In todays world, freedom is unattainable... there's always someone you have to serve.. some purpose which you have to fulfill.. every stage has its own vices.. studies, career, love, romance, parents.... wife, kids, job, social obligations... Freedom, in todays world has been reduced to a mere figure of speech.. one moment.. of satisfaction, of peace of mind.. one moment.. fragile.. hold it for too long and it dissapears..

So what are you fighting for?? That one moment?? Is it worth fighting for? Worth risking your whole life for that one moment, one moment as the king of the world, one fleeting glance at that rainbow.. Fighting and dying for something you can never achieve.. you can never be... Free...

The Chase

2006-09-13T13:49:00.000+05:30

"If Dreams were horses, Beggars would ride."

Heard it from a friend of mine once. I never could understand the significance of that line then. Just thought beggars have more dreams so they would ride more horses... Naive.. Still dont know for sure what he meant, but my perceptive has changed drastically over the years..

We chase our dreams from the time we take control of our lives and our senses.. everything we do after that point is a step towards our dream. Careers, friends, love are all a steppin stone towards the unreachable... the unatainable... Actually it just magnifies the frailities of life as we know it. Running after an illusion, the perfect life, with consequences that not just affect you but the others round you...

Come to think of it, what do we want... money that you can burn on your pyre, power to control everything around you, the most beautiful girl int he world, the most expensive house, the fastest car.. The perfect life!!! Or is that all a hoax.. a charade that we are taught to believe in so deeply that it feels real... what are we really after... a perfect life or a perfect death??? We are not taking our dream, our perfect life with us for sure... so is it the satisfaction on the eve of the end??? That you achieved the impossible, the unattainable.. you continued the charade and passed it on to your kids, you played the game well and now its time for someone else to take up The Chase........

Momentary Lapse of Reason

2006-09-02T12:30:00.000+05:30

Life is all bout experiences. They say you learn from your mistakes. Gain experience to handle future problems and takle difficult situations better. But do we ever learn??

Your day to day life is filled with moments of truth.. some important and some you would'nt think twice bout. But what do you do at that one moment of truth that matters?? All your experience goes out of the window. You do exactly what your heart tells you. Your head stops workin... And in that split second you end up doing what your head would never have allowed you to do.... Love, hate, anger, passion, lies, truths, sex,riots, crime... born out of that moment where your heart won the crucial battle..

Have you ever thought why you say things you dont mean and maybe never can do?? How many times have you heard, or rather said"I hate you" or "I m gonna kill you"?? Well the light hearted moments and the jokes apart... How many times have you said something which you should'nt have.. truth or lies.. something which ruined a friendship.. Or done something which ended you in a soup.. with your love, friends, parents or the authorities.. In the heat of the moment, you forget the rest of the basics. Most of todays messes, most of yesterdays messes for that matter, are all a produst of that split second... that Momentary Lapse of Reason.......

Insensitive

2006-09-02T11:25:00.000+05:30

Isnt it amazing?? You get labeled for living your dreams, fighting for your beliefs and following your heart..

No offence meant to anyone!! Just stating what I've felt throught these years of scrapping and clawing at my dreams.. Why is he labeled inconsiderate and insensitive for running after his career?? Its not his fault that cant afford to lose time getting to a place where he is ready to handle a family!! Ask any parent.. their first criteria for their son in law would be a sound platform... OK... drifting towards a direction where I dont wanna go.....

Met a friend a few days back who had just come out of a disasterous relationship. We got talking over a couple of beers.. 'bout love, 'bout life.... He asked me for answers I could'nt give.. No one can!! Love is something no one has a solution for... Its as fragile as a dream... You cant wake up.. You've got to sleep through it... You wake up to your needs and wants and that dream will vanish!!!

Coming back to relations, does everyone really think that we take women for granted?? That we think only for ourselves?? Have you ever thought bout the obvious question.. WHY??? Why do we run after an unattainable dream? Why do we reach for the stars? Why dont we have time for you or ourselves?? Who are we trying to please?? The answer is as obvious as the question... YOU!!!

Drifter

2006-06-30T16:51:00.000+05:30

Amidst the fury, between the heights and depths, we drift thro' life..... Prey for aimless days and sterile memories, like wandering shadows!! Hostile to the past, impatient to the present and cheated of a future - Obstinately mute.... We feed our despondency with fleeting imitations, messeges as disconceting as flight of shallows. Like a dew drop at sundown, or those queer glints the sun sometimes dapples on empty streets. Escape... escape to the outside world, and cherish the all too real phantoms of lethal imagination. An imagination conjuring pictures of a land where a special play of light, two or three hills, a favourate tree, a woman's smile... composes a world nothing can ever replace and noone can ever reach... Seasons come and go in glad or saddening pageant, from sunrise to sunset the day shifts from gold to shadow... The soul oscillates from the cool breeze of spring to the langaurous summer afternoons... A walk on autumn leaves and the dew drenched grass in winter.... Nature in her swiftness and the soul in unrest... racing in an eternal rally.

Time

2006-04-21T15:39:00.000+05:30

Walking through the corridors of my mind,
In silent defiance of trespassing years
I built intricate patterns in mosiac -
A kaleidoscope.
A melody of colours
In bewildering profusion
overtake me
bizarre and beautiful
Oblivious to the inevitable enemy:
Time
It waits for no man
While tumbling dreams and whimsical follies
Of bygone days
It builds an oasis
In the vast dessert ahead;
Promising and precious
In colour, clarity and obscurity!!

The Dream Unrealized....

2006-04-21T14:57:00.000+05:30

Sitting on the balcony of my house, watching the sun go down on another sun baked day in Delhi. The same scenery, the same cars, the same flats, the same people and the same mad rush. Amidst all the chaos and mayhem, the dream is lost………

Everyone comes here with a dream. Of success, career, power, money…. But somewhere between the chaos and the rush to the top, that dream is disintegrated and mutilated into a lust for money and power. We stop caring for others in our thirst for blood. The beautiful dream that we grew up with in our hearts is lost forever.

I’ve always shared a love-hate relationship with this metro. Between the fun, the fear and the loathing, Delhi has found a way under my skin. After spending seven years, I realized that it had left a permanent mark on my soul, with indelible memories and unforgettable moments of times spent and opportunities lost. Somewhere between the ghantaghar trips and the night long gossips, endless cups of tea and Padam’s momos, sleepy nights at the call centers and watching the sun come up with a mug of coffee, going from four cigarettes and a peg, to a pack and five a day, Delhi has given me everything I wanted and taken everything I held dear. So still sitting here with a cup of tea and a cigarette in my hand, the same dream in my eyes, the same pain in my heart and soul sold for pennies………..